practice journal #1
I haven’t been feeling the best about music lately, I’ll be honest. This summer was particularly rough for me because of various factors, and I’ve gotten into the trap of comparing myself with everyone. This cannot be emphasized more: you are on your own journey! Your own pace! Please remember that! And yet… I get into this trap so often that it’s often predictable at this point.
I should give a proper introduction about what I’m talking about.
I play two instruments mainly, piano and violin. I’ve played piano for about thirteen years and am just starting RCM Level 10. It’s been quite a wild ride, and I genuinely can’t believe that I made it this far. This year, I also started teaching. I’ve been playing violin for ten years, and I’m working at RCM Level 5. That’s my story.
So yes, logically, I know that I can play these instruments. I’ve played at numerous small events and have played in small festivals before. But I have this nagging feeling of inadequacy in my head, and no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ll never be able to match up to the standards I’ve set up for myself.
Here’s what I know. I’m painfully slow at picking up new pieces. Even easy ones. I can sight-read decently well but taking it to the next level and accomplishing true fluency takes me nearly a week, even for “easy” pieces. I know I can play anything if I give myself enough time, but all too often, I get frustrated and just give up. I also have a terrible problem with procrastination and practicing regularly is SUCH A BIG CHALLENGE.
For this year, as with all other years, I’ve set up an ambitious practice schedule to follow. I want to get this many hours of practice in – and I know that once again, I’m setting myself up for failure. My notes apps are filled with schedules, plans, routines, all things that are never to be properly adhered to.
In a way, it’s almost easier to have someone order me around. When I was in junior high, I used to hate when my parents forced me to sit down and get my homework done, but now I’m realizing that it was the only way I got anything done. This ensured that I didn’t have the chance to start procrastinating and drift away from what I needed to get done.
I don’t know if this year’s schedule is going to work or not. But I’ve tried changing some things up. I’m trying to battle the reasons for my procrastination. Underneath everything, there is still that old belief that I’m not good enough, that all my efforts are in vain (and if they are, why should I try?). This fuels it all. I’ve also realized that I cannot make myself get up if I’ve settled down somewhere.
So here are some tweaks that I’ve made this year:
- Start instrument practice right after I get home from university. No time to sit down and later claim that I’m too tired to start.
- Set up my music in the morning before I leave for classes. This way, I can just start quickly when I get do get home.
- Journal. Write down what you’re practicing, and what you plan on doing next.
- Open my violin case. This is a big one. Piano is easy – just open the lid and you can play. Violin is harder to “start” as you have to take it out of the case, tune, and then start. This is a lot more difficult to push past.
As I continue this post series, I want to tackle more issues about playing music, my struggles, and wins. And maybe later on, share some of the music that I’m working on and making myself. Let’s go on this journey together.
