practice journal #2
So… I didn’t exactly live up to the expectations that I set for myself. It is so hard to balance university and music practicing. I mean, people will do it. I just can’t. Well, I want to, but it will take a lot of trial and error. For the last ten years, I’ve really been trying to get better at managing my time, but somehow my laziness always wins. The only thing that wins more is the disgusting amount of shame clogging up my arteries when I’m in a lesson and it’s so evidently clear that I have not practiced enough. I can feel the disappointment. I’m wasting everyone’s time and money.
But the intention is there, isn’t it? Every time I leave a lesson, I think to myself that next week I will be better. That this week, I’ll practice very hard, and the old problem spots will get fixed, and nobody will doubt my dedication. I genuinely do care. Nobody cares more than I do.
It’s silly though, because I have made some progress this year. I’ve learned some new pieces and studies. I’ve worked through challenging rhythm sections, and despite everything, I do keep showing up. Isn’t that half the battle? Many of the piano pieces I’m working on right now involve polyrhythms, and I keep thinking of the time when I learned my first piece that featured that, how nervous I was, how I thought “hell no, I can’t do this”, but I was wrong. I was wrong then, and I know that I’m wrong now as well.
I get so jealous sometimes. Especially when I walk through the university’s music building, listening to people who get to practice for hours on end talk about their performances. I know it isn’t easy. And I certainly don’t hate what I’m studying, but for once, I wish I didn’t have to commit my entire life to one path. I wish there was room (and time) for more, and I could do it all, so I didn’t have to sacrifice one whole side of myself to satisfy society’s requirements.
My issue is that I try to do too many things at once and manage to get absolutely nothing done. Jack of all trades, master at absolutely none. Except looking at me, nobody can tell. At best, I give off the vibes that I’m an overeager person, with no real skills beside the desperate accomplishments that were given as consolation prizes. And at worst, flaky and undedicated.
This is a whole lot of rambling. I mean, the past year has been harsh. I took a huge hit to my self-esteem (unrelated to school or music), but it has been leeching into every single area of my life. Maybe this is the sign that I really do need to get help lmao.
It’s hard to get started with practicing, especially when so much of your self-worth hinges on it. But I do like playing music, and I’m reminded of that every single day. I like learning new pieces, even if it’s frustrating. I love playing scales. I like realizing the fact that there are so many things that I do know how to do, that there are skills that come automatically to me now, after so much time refining them.
I fully intended this series to be a place where I can dump my thoughts about practicing music. In a way, because that is such a central part of who I am (or who I used to be, I don’t know), it reflects my general thoughts about myself as well. So maybe this should just be a place to vent. Because that always helps.
The next entry in this series will be happier! I want to make that promise to myself. I will share what pieces I’ve been working on, my struggles with them, and some good things too! Because I know that not everything is as difficult as I fear.
